hopefully it won't take so long to go.

while i was sitting at my kitchen table eating breakfast this morning, i started crying because my hands are hurting from arthritis and it came to me that i never used to have arthritis pain when my grandma was alive and i know i figured out that i had arthritis back then. it's like i'm being punished for her death and left without care and advocacy to help me get what i want done. amy listened to me when i asked her to get me tickets to training camp- i think that might have been one of the last times people ACTUALLY listened to me. not only do my hands hurt, my arms hurt as well- i thought that maybe it was because i wasn't lifting weights enough, so i lifted a bunch yesterday and some on friday. however- it STILL hurts (and by that- i mean my arms and hands still both hurt). at first i thought it was muscle tone because i don't honestly remember the last time i had botox shots anywhere but i just remembered it's more than likely arthritis because my hands hurt like a bitch also. i think back to when my grandma was alive and what was different from when she was alive and now- the only thing i can think of (that it could possibly be) is how i was getting ARP therapy but.. oh! after she died- it was like people took pride in cutting whatever they could so they looked like they had the upper hand when dealing with me. which is also probably why amanda refuses to support me. so yeah.. i'm being punished for my grandma's lung cancer death. people won't be satisfied until i slowly die off even if it IS painful for me. ah well.. i'll just watch reruns of fresh prince to hopefully keep my mind off of how i'm getting fucked over and NO ONE seems to care.. JUST because i don't roll over and accept just being UNEMPLOYED and DEPENDANT on social security like someone else.